QUON Master acceptance speech

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Building on the past for a stronger tomorrow

I would like to begin by paying my respects to the Ngnunawal people, the traditional custodians of this land where we are meeting upon today. On behalf of the traditional custodians and Brother Wallet, I welcome you all.

It is with great honour that I accept the QUON stewardship for 2010–11. I am humbled by the responsibility and look forward to directing the QUON into an exciting new era.

Tonight I will outline my vision for the year but firstly I would like to offer praise to my predecessors, Paul Smith and Jason Pye. Their lasting legacy has ensured team QUON has been dragged from the dark ages of the Mugabe years into a more enlightened prosperous era. Pyesie for his innovation and youth policy and Smithee for his indiscriminate unfair fines, the proceeds of which have yet to be actually seen but I’m sure will be revealed in the fullness of time.

I also acknowledge the tenacity and determination displayed by Brother Randwick when vying for the coveted position of QUON Master. Unfortunately for him the QUON was not ready for a pre pubescent teenager to take on the very important and adult role of leading the QUON. To Randwick I say ‘chin up champ’.

The QUON is at a fascinating stage of its life. We’ve grown organically from a team of five triathletes to a semi-professional outfit of more than 40 athletes in less than five years.

This growth has also seen us diversify. We now have a wide range of people from varying backgrounds including cycling, triathlon, running and in-line skiing. Our diversity means we have vastly different personalities, abilities, ages, occupations, interests, sexual preferences (some of us like blondes others prefer Indians) all under the banner of Team QUON.

While our diversity presents challenges it also makes us a more interesting and integrated team. However, as a team there are certain principles and priorities we need to observe to ensure the QUON brand remains an integrated formidable multi-sport presence it’s known for today.

Tonight, I will unveil a five point plan that I will oversee during my stewardship. The plan outlines my principles and priorities for the coming year. It will ensure we consolidate our success from previous years while ensuring we remain strong and agile to face the demands of tomorrow.

The first point in the plan is a focus on high performance. While we’re here to have a good time, going hard is our ultimate goal. We will build on our dominance of the past and take it to new heights of success not just in crit racing, but in road races, triathlon, running, burpees and dancing. By 2011, the brand of QUON will be seen as a strong force on the world stage, mentioned in the same breath as High Road or Garmin.

To achieve this priority, I will oversee the implementation of project Lactate. Project Lacate will provide incentives to race and train harder – no soft turns, no excuses just raw lactate. If you get dropped there’s no shame. The shame will only come if you gave up. Project Lactate will see the QUON transcend from a team of blokes having a good time to a legit to the max semi professional outfit. Boom!

I’ll release more details on project Lactate in the coming weeks.

The second point surrounds reward and recognition. For too long many of our achievements have largely gone unnoticed or uncared for. Who here, for example, remembers Smithy’s exceptional performance to become Australian Arboretum champion?
In line with this priority, I will implement the mandatory reporting of all significant races be they triathlon, cycling, running or in-line skiing. You will have one week to post a race report on the dribble. Together we will then praise you for a strong performance or collectively scorn you for a poor performance.

I will also consider the merits of using your report to promote the QUON in the media. Any individual success will always be attributed to Team QUON. If brothers Halvo and Kung Fu win medals at the Olympics, it will be because of team QUON. If Uber ever finishes Hawaii, it will be because of Team QUON. When Dominator finally mows his own lawn, it will be because of Team QUON.

Reward and recognition will also extend to recruitment of QUONabees. While we are quick to criticize sponsors for nominating dud QUONabees, conversely we need to recognise sponsors for putting forward quality applicants. This initiative aims to balance the risk averse culture and fear of having a beloved jersey go up in flames. Which reminds me, Pyesie and I will need to set up a time to burn his jersey.

The third point of the plan sees a blanket ban on pingers. Whether you’re a teenager looking for a quick hit or a 40+ year old man trying to be cool, pingers will not be tolerated at any QUON endorsed event. Pingers represent the greatest social and moral dilemma of our time. They ruin athletic ability and give us a false sense of our dancing abilities.

The fourth point applies to our flagship ride and my namesake, the Hour of Terra (HoT). Before I go into detail about this point, however, I’d like to remind a number of our brethren about wind. Wind is the flow of gases. It can range from a gentle breeze or it can form in large gusts. You can ‘feel’ wind at the top of a mountain or at the lowest valley.

You may even experience the sensation of wind at the front of a cycling bunch such as say the HoT. Contrary to many beliefs, wind is rarely fatal but it may dry your face just a little. This of course can be fixed with a little application of male moisturiser. Tonight I’d like to call on two of our more wind averse members in encouragement to experience the wonders of wind at the front of the bunch. Will and Uli please step forward to receive your wind protection lotion.

I encourage you to take this gift and hope that it gives you the strength to pull many strong and powerful turns at the front of the bunch.

Now, it’s with great delight that I unveil my fifth and final point. Tonight I can announce that I have appointed Brother Pyesie as the first ever Minister for Transport. The QUON is honoured and extremely fortunate to have this great innovator in our leadership ranks.

As the first order of business for the Minister for Transport, I have instructed him to arrange the supply of free bicycles to all QUON members. This won’t be an easy task but as the great man often says: ‘Innovate or die’.

I look forward to working closely with our new Minister for Transport.

Unfortunately, the Minister is unable to attend tonight’s gathering as he has been called to urgent business at Ken’s at Kensington, no doubt tending to his first priority of supplying our bikes.

Brothers, when I joined Team QUON many years ago I couldn’t have imagined we would be the envy of sporting teams everywhere. Who would’ve thought that we would have girls stalking us and men begging to be part of us. To belong to this team is a great privilege. Your being here means you’re not a dickhead at the very least.

My five point plan will take us to great heights. I urge you to board the blue train. Get your faces in the wind—use moisturiser if you need to. Close the book of shadows forever. Learn how to hurt and embrace the pain.

We won’t make it far if we’re a team of ‘if only’s’. If only I had of tapered better; if only I had more time to train; if only I had race wheels; if only I didn’t have the sniffles; if only I didn’t have sand in my man-gina. Excuses will not be tolerated. Tridents legs will be replaced by QUON legs—always willing to have a crack. Like the Dominator we’ll pull up our socks and have a go.

And when we race, we race for QUON. We’ll do what we’re told and we won’t chase personal victory. We’ll do it the QUON way—to the max.

Thank you.